Transforming Conflict: Independence Creates Connection

So many of my clients struggle with conflict situations. They feel activated and triggered by the behavior of others around them. Sometimes - often - this behavior of others cuts against the values my clients have and their understanding of the world. It is unconscionable that others would act the way they do and not care about the impact they have!

These feelings are in many cases compounded by social understandings around injustice and systemic oppression. We feel, perhaps rightly, that others’ behavior is a reflection of their ignorance: their racism, their privilege, and their unfeeling narcissism, power-trip, etc. Such awareness often exacerbates the emotional weight my clients carry. It is not just an individual giving them problems, but a system and history of violence that is bearing down on their little self in the present moment of their suffering.

As everyone knows, this situation has really intensified over the past few years. The cry for change has grown and grown. And while this is in many ways an incredibly positive development, it has become increasingly difficult and problematic to suggest some of the approaches to self-care and personal sovereignty that I do here in this article. But they are effective and increasingly important. Indeed, it will be difficult for us to really make much real social change without employing these abilities and tools.

The essence of this approach centers on empowerment and sovereignty. This means recognizing that ultimately you are always the master of how you respond to someone or something. Life presents us with so many scenarios and challenges. It is up to us how we choose to respond.

Time-worn wisdom, for example in traditional Daoist practices from China, identify us as the individual as the master and ultimately one responsible for our own state of being. One of my teachers is known to say that no one other than yourself can truly harm you. And while that may seem like a bit of a stretch, if you take the time to center and go inside, you may begin to notice what he means.

This does not mean that patterns of systemic injustice do not exist, or that they should not be worked to be overturned. But what it does mean is that in the minutia and nitty-gritty of your own conflicts and experience of the world, change starts within. Empowerment starts with you. And it’s something you bequeath to yourself.

Before you activate along with the part of you that gets upset, remember: this is actually great news. This means that you - not anyone else - is the person in charge. So often, I watch my clients futilely expend enormous energy trying to get their adversary to understand them and change. But this strategy is inherently disempowering, since it depends on someone else taking action for it to be successful. With this approach, our happiness, satisfaction, and well-being are predicated on external factors.

In a fractured and polarized world, the greatest gift we can give ourselves and others is to find our center. Separate out, and get in touch with your own wall. Find your boundary.

Within these limits, go inside. Touch back to the heart of your own self. Feel the expansive nature of your own being. Make it your priority and business to promote that which feels good and life-giving inside you.

By taking space and giving space to others, you can deescalate the situation and begin to imagine creative solutions.

Arthur Koestler, in The Ghost in the Machine, uses the term holons to describe something that is simultaneously a whole and a part. And this term applies to us all. While we are inextricably linked with one another in a social paradigm and chain of being, we are each independently a world unto ourselves. Through activating our own agency and power within that universe, we can begin to create change in the worlds of which we are a part. It is far more effective to approach change in this way than in trying to get others to change first.

In this way, independence leads to connection. Through going within to stay true to yourself and hold yourself accountable to the highest version of yourself that you wish to be, you can turn to face the challenges and conflicts in life with balance and ease. The external becomes a reflection of the internal. And whatever situation was there before can transform, or simply melt away.

I wish you all the best in accessing your inner strength. Want help in accessing these vital tools? Please reach out to me to book an assessment. It would be my pleasure to hear from you and support you in your journey.

Best wishes,

Gabe